I don't care what you think anyways!!!!!!!!

“If you hear a voice within you saying, ''You are not a painter,'' then by all means paint… and that voice will be silenced.”

- Vincent Van Gogh

Some of you reading the title might be a little shocked at the complete disrespectful tone coming from me, however I must explain how I got to this point. By the way I mean no disrespect even in saying this but this instead is a self realization that I needed to make and the journey it took me to get here.

Since the first week of January I have been taking a painting class up here which is finally coming to a close! When I first decided to take a painting class it was more because i needed to fulfill my final studio art prerequisite for my grad program. Now don't get me wrong I was looking forward to it because I love painting.

The instructor suggested I start with the beginning students just to get back into painting since it had been a while, a little reluctant I figured he was right. So take a few steps back and I was stuck doing still lifes and not still lifes from real life set ups but from photos which in my opinion is a terrible exercise, but I bit my tongue and tried to go with the flow.

The professor was so different from my last class unlike my last class he wanted us to paint on these tiny canvases 5x7 when I had just gotten used to 18x24, whatever ill do what he wants. This painting instructors methods were so different and I was trying really hard to try to learn from him. I then realized I need to talk to him about moving up I really could not bear painting another still life from a photograph so he agreed to allow me to be in the advanced class since I had taken two prior painting classes.

I decided it was time to use larger canvases and decided on a few ideas to paint. Over the next few weeks I came to realize that the professor strongly did not like me he was so critical in my work (don't get me wrong i understand the importance of constructive criticism) but he would say things to me like "why are you even in this class I feel like you arent really learning anything and are just here for studio space" (not really sure what that was about I was doing what everyone else in the class was doing just painting?) I asked for clarification and he didnt really have any I went home feeling discouraged. Other comments he would make "you're the supposed great artist show us something great I havent seen anything yet" he said it loud enough that all heads turned to stare at me(I never claimed to be anything but a student by the way and if you know me at all I didnt have an arrogant attitude in his class to have deserved this comment). On many occasions he would criticize my work yet not give any advice on how to improve even when asked specific questions his answer was often figure it out. He also made too many comments to count about how he prefers us to paint on small canvases (ughh I get it).

I began feeling discouraged and lost alot of motivation to finish my paintings or even come up with creative ideas for future work. I began dreading going to class and began counting the days till it was over, something I have never done in any of my art classes. I would get a deep nauseous feeling in my stomach anytime the instructor came anywhere near where I was working.

I decided to try to paint on tiny canvas boards (which by the way is a total step backwards from my last class) and I decided to play by his rules completely and paint small landscapes it was only these paintings that he had anything positive to say.

The last day finally rolled around and we had a semi final critique in this critique the palms of my hands began to sweat as my work was placed in front. To my surprise however after many disappointing critiques before this day, my instructor completely changed his mind about my work i guess he said that I had a very distinct style and I should try to explore it more that it is really beautiful and that he would love to see my work especially my wave painting on even larger canvases. After the critique he showed me some artists online that shared my style and encouraged me to look into really exploring this style more! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Confused and relieved I went home and decided, you know what why did I care so much about pleasing my professor, I've never really been that much of a rebel when it came to school always tried my best and respected my teachers but you know what when it comes to my art I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ANYWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no disrespect intended but I love to paint and I am learning and trying to develop what it is that I love to paint and how I love to paint. So I will try it your way if you want me too for a while but I decided I am better at doing it my way and I suck at doing it your way so I will paint for ME now and love it! So dear people who read this that was my journey this semester in learning and understanding my inner artist.

Here are some photos of some of my work from this semester.

Here are my beloved painting tools (wish I had the money to buy some really nice stuff but these have been my trusty paint brushes for the time being)
don't you love mixing colors? I do!!

A clean palette and piles of paint are calling my name!

beginning stages of my still life copying a pic of a still life painting

building it up
Finished still life
Thumbnail sketches are very important in making sure you like the composition that you will be painting here is mine of my wave painting.
starting stages of the wave the cool blue shades really liking the painted sketch I started with.
Bringing in some warmth with peachy orange colors trying really hard to keep the colors and shapes separated while not getting lost.
Too excited to start building up some texture with the paint.
starting to really see it come together.
ahh!! not sure if I like the yellow hoping I didnt ruin it remain calm try to ignore the fact that your instructor hates it = those were my thoughts at this stage.
YES to paint! don't you just love thick paint
Side shot really gives you an idea of the texture and brushstokes that I labored on here. Eeek my painting class just got really expensive I paint like I have an endless supply and paint is cheap.
Alright I know I could do more to this painting but I don't think I will I love it right here! Reason's why = shows my love for color, passion for the sea, and the stunning beauty of waves and God's creation isn't it incredible how water moves like this!
The Conch shell this idea came to me when I was watching Gidget actually there is a part where the big Kahuna tells Gidget to hold a conch shell up to her ear, he says to her thats the secret to the whole thing listen the sea left its whisper in there. Any surfer can tell you the same thing if they look inside themselves they would say the sea left its whisper in there. (maybe a little cheesy but I love it)
here is me making sure my idea will work = the idea having an sea scape come out of a conch shell. The stage here is a little too vibrant pink and purple.
softening it a little including the sunset.
Here you can see my anxiety coming through feeling super discouraged I really started to flatten the shell and screwed up the seascape some (professor's comments its not really working you really should have photoshoped this first to make sure it would look good) Thats where I stopped (don't worry going to finish it and fix it now that I have recovered.
My attempt at painting what the professor wants He loved this painting (I hated it)
Professor was really into landscapes decided to go with the flow and do what he wanted however this painting still screamed Melina the bright colors of the sunflowers and my bright sky. Here I was battling my own interests while still trying to please the instructor!

Hope you enjoyed reading about my journey!